How to spend an eternity (7 hours) at war
So I’m at work and kind of bored because my boss is too busy in meetings to give me an assignment. Thusly, I have decided to broadcast my battle report over the
Astronomicon internet and share with you my glorious battle experience from this past Saturday. It was 1750 and 3 rounds, just in case you forgot. I went 1-1-1 (w/l/d), but everybody worth listening to knows that means 1-2-0. I had fun anyway. Woop-woop.
- Opponent: Richard. He plays Tau
- Result: loss
- Game type: we placed an objective in our deployment zones and deployed 12” up
- Lysander Awesomeness Grade (LAG): 9/10
So I got paired with my broseph Richard for the first game. He plays Tau and is ridiculously bad — like holy fuck he hasn’t won a game in ages. It’s mostly because he plays Tau Empire but I think it’s also because he kind of sucks at rolling dice. Anyway, I knew it’d be fun because it’d be my FIRST REAL LIFE GAME EVER with Lysander and his Imperial Fists. I went first.
So after forgetting to fortify a ruin with the greatest 200 point bro-cap in the game (never ended up doing this once at any point ever. Lol) and not using my Land Speeder Storms’ scout moves, I take my first turn of moving. Time to Gate of Infinity my squad of 10 assault terminators up! Hell yeah, Richard’s about to get it good! Like right in the bu— scatter 9, first ring of terminators barely within 1”, 2 on the mishap. Oh yeah, and first turn’s night fight so I didn’t need to get that close anyway.
Whatever. He seemed more butthurt for me than I was butthurt about it. I’m here to have fun with my gorgeous army. I continue playing. Poop on some stealth suits. Feeling good about everything.
The turns go by and Lysander’s squad gets picked off pretty quickly. Hessian7 taught me how to roll ones like a MOTHERFUCKIN’ CHAMP. So by like turn 4, I only have Lysander and some scouts left on my objective. Mister “one more turn for Rogal Dorn” survived alone with about 1600 points of communist aliens shooting at him for 3 turns before dying and the scouts end up with just Brother Sergeant Powerfist sitting on the objective. He feels like the best scout sergeant
in the Imperium on the board because he wrecked 2 skimmers and fended off a squad of fire warriors trying to contest.
Last turn. Moment of truth. Suits inbound, time to go to ground for that 3+. Nothin’ but 2s. We don’t need to fortify nothin’!
Game ends in a loss instead of a draw. Whatever. It’s my first game. And my shit looks hot. Hot. HOT.
I was nothing but proud of Captain Lysander and his stubborn fists and had fun with Richard, who seemed genuinely sorry that my assault terminators died turn 1. Later on, I heard he was being a big baby bitch about the game and talking shit like he was awesome. Whatever. I’m bro enough to not give a fuck.
- Opponent: Ed. Rocks the Salamanders Space Marines
- Result: draw
- Game type: objective in the middle of each table quarter with spearhead deployment
- Lysander Awesomeness Grade (LAG): 6/10 (that’s the minimum)
This game was boring. Still fun, just not thrilling.
We played on a cool city board. Ed was a cool guy who, like me, didn’t know how to play his army. We had to cut it short at the end of turn 4. Geeked on his Vulkan with a Vindicator the moment he got out of a Rhino (what you know about 3++?). I end up running Lysander’s squad and contesting his second point while holding one myself. Ends in a draw.
Cool. Let’s move the hell on.
- Opponent: Izrael. Iron within, iron witho— wait that’s some Chaos shit. Izzy plays Necrons
- Result: win
- Game type: 12” deployment and then kill the fuck out of each other
- Lysander Awesomeness Grade (LAG): 8/10
This last game was by far the most fun. Not just because I won really big — subconsciously that was probably a part of it, honestly — but because Izzy is the best kind of player ever. None of my opponents were bad to play against, but when you face someone with the same game philosophy as you, which in my case is to throw down and see an epic story unfold before you, it’s the greatest time you can have playing Warhammer 40,000.
I zoom around with scouts. Terminators begin walking everywhere because I was too scared to gate up my assault guys, as he kept up-talking his Nightbringer and I didn’t know (lol). My scouts punk a tomb spider in close combat after he popped their speeder because they have a fist. Some destroyers do them in right after. My Vindicator owns up on some scarab swarms and a few warriors — whatev. Other scouts decide to go jump at the Nightbringer so I can get the charge if they survive. They survive and it begins.
Librarian pops Null Zone and I assault the Nightbringer with thunder hammers. He kills one, I fuck up his shit so hard. Those terminators then proceed to get fucked up by some destroyers because I can’t roll armor saves if the game depended on it. They finish the game with the Libby and two bros.
Simultaneously, Lysander leads the charge against the rez orb and its warriors. Two scout bros who’d spent time finishing off the scarabs join in and chase down the Lord because the terminators cannot. The game lasts for one more turn as I kill enough remaining guys to phase those ‘Cronz out.
I feel like he could have won. Good game, Izzy. Let’s do it again sometime.
- First: Dark Eldar with Silas rolling the dice
- Second: Dark Eldar with B-Ram rolling the dice
- Third: Tau Empire with everyone rolling poorly against Richard. MY BAD, STOP GIVING ME SHIT ABOUT IT
- Fourth: Dark Eldar with trooperlarkin rolling the dice
- Best Painted Army: My Imperial Fists
- Best Model: Vulkan He’Stan owned by Ed
- What really matters here: I was told that I placed 9/20. Yay!
So basically really skilled people made powerful Dark Eldar lists then stuck on the autopilot. Jay-kay, it still takes effort to not lose with that army. I can see Dark Eldar smashing so much face in this year’s Indy GT circuit. Also, there were no Imperial Guard or Blood Angels players present. That’s weird. Take away from what what you will.
Notably, tournament pairings were done by hand so some people ended up playing not exactly the people they should have, but by no means do I think the TO was unfair or consciously paired certain people against others to skew results. And what I mean by that is that Hessian7 got fucking robbed.
Fun tournament. Even with deficiencies I’d play it again exactly as it was because it was fun. That should be a no-brainer, losers.